Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
