you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
