When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
