life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
