we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
