In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
