i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
