first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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