I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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