So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
