Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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