The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
