Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
not ubering you a puppy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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