You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
