I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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