well I can't set my house on fire every night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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