swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
