Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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