I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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