if i can run in heels then i can drive
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
