I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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