Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
