i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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