i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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