I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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