I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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