Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
