oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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