i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
