honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
