drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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