i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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