If that was your dad, he is hot
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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