I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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