She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
