He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
