is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
