Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
