NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
