put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
