Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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