Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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