tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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