Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
