Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
