You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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