I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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