How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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