The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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