I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize