new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
