Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
